Three years ago, my constantly worsening sleep deprivation and stress resulted in a burnout. I’m 30 years old now, at the time of posting this comic, and I still haven’t recovered fully. I still have the heart symptoms – even the smallest amount of stress brings the symptoms back. It’s likely I will never recover enough to work a fulltime job again and I can’t go back to high-stress environments like customer service. But that’s alright. I am more than just my work. I’m slowly learning to be merciful towards myself and to show myself the same kindness I show others, and I think that’s very important.
This is my story and I won’t be ashamed any more.
I needed this. Especially the percentage part. As someone who compares myself to others a lot, I really needed that.
Your best is yours, not anyone else’s
Just to emphasize
holy shit….
like all the symptoms but heart ones are resonating so hard with me that I’m fighting tears….
As dickish as my parents could/can be, I will forever be grateful to them for letting me express myself as a kid.
I wanted to be Luke Skywalker, and Aladdin, and shit even Simba. The girls in movies never did anything as interesting or cool as what the boys did. The boys had adventures and righted wrongs (and they got the girl too but I was too young to realise why that was so appealing to me).
I asked them to call me Alex instead of my actual name, and I asked my dad to show me how to tie a tie so I could be a boy. He taught me, but he also said, “you know, girls can wear ties too if they want” and I was like, huh okay.
I wore baggy clothes and always volunteered to play boy roles in school plays or just pretend with my friends. I taped my breasts down when they started growing (a la Roberta in Now and Then) and told my mum I wanted to be a boy.
We talked about why I felt like that, and she told me that just because I was female didn’t mean I couldn’t do anything the boys could do. She watched movies with me and pointed out the heroic and interesting things the girls were doing in them. I watched Mulan and Jurassic Park over and over again. My dad made me a bow and arrow and staged dinosaur footprints in the backyard.
I had some dysphoria in my later teen years – every period I would go postal, wanting to cut off my hair and breasts. Mum explained that it was normal to want to be away from my body when I’d been hearing boys objectify it for so long. I got through it with support from my parents.
If I was growing up now, things would be so different. My parents are sensible people so I’d like to think there wouldn’t be as high a risk for me as others, but who knows.
I had every sign growing up that I would be a “trans man” but I grew out of it. Especially once I realised that not only could women do anything men can, we’re also better at all of it.
Women fucking rock, don’t let society and TRAs talk you out of that knowledge and acceptance of your female form and history.
“… not only could women do anything men can, we’re also better at all of it.”
“It is often said that the first sound we hear in the womb is our mother’s heartbeat. Actually, the first sound to vibrate our newly developed hearing apparatus is the pulse of our mother’s blood through her veins and arteries. We vibrate to that primordial rhythm even before we have ears to hear. Before we were conceived, we existed in part as an egg in our mother’s ovary. All the eggs a woman will ever carry form in her ovaries while she is a four-month-old fetus in the womb of her mother.
This means our cellular life as an egg begins in the womb of our grandmother. Each of us spent five months in our grandmother’s womb and she in turn formed within the womb of her grandmother. We vibrate to the rhythms of our mother’s blood before she herself is born. And this pulse is the thread of blood that runs all the way back through the grandmothers to the first mother. We all share the blood of the first mother – we are truly children of one blood.”